Trial by fire....I have heard the term often. This summer, I had my own trial by fire....initiation to becoming a midwife. It was long and difficult. There were times when I felt so awful that I wanted to quit....one of the jokes that I have with my mentor is that it would be so much easier to open up a bakery. (Basically, I had a lot of dreams about cupcakes, pastries, and cakes.)
I spent many hours grappling with the question of how not to own every aspect of the birthing journey for the woman and her baby. As I have written before, it is not difficult for me to remove my own ego when things go well. It is when things don't go so well, that I begin to place all the blame on my own shoulders.
There was a time this summer, where I felt that if a woman was in labor and I touched her, she broke. I knew that on one level this was silly, but on many other levels, I had trouble working through this. Almost every babe was posterior, labors were long and dysfunctional, several women ended up needing c-sections...one of which was an emergency with a stressful ambulance ride and all that entails. On the good side, all of the Mama's and babes were well and healthy at the end. On the negative side, it left my confidence shaken and my heart very heavy.
In the midst of all of this...it was too difficult to sit in front of the computer and re-hash the experiences. So, here I am, apologizing for the long absence and offering my explanation. Also, I am offering a pledge to not disappear again for such a long radio silence......
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