itchin...

OK, I haven't caught a baby is a couple weeks now....starting to feel the itch. I know, I know, be careful what you ask for, but I really hope that on my next shift, there is some action. So, I put it out there. Probably my next post will be about how crazy busy I was....

a girl and a boy

Early morning phone call...round two. My new midwife colleague called at 5:00am and I did not even wake up! I finally figured out why...I am just like Pavlov's dog...I had not yet set her ring to the "birth center" ring...which will instantly wake me from a dead sleep. I heard the regular ring in my sleep and just blew it off. Anyway, I was happy to be going in to assist a woman who I have known and worked with as a nurse.

The birth was beautiful, number two for Mama, and accordingly smooth and easy...from my perspective...Mama might have other reflections of course. A sweet little (big, almost 9lbs) baby girl arrived around 9:30, born in the caul and a little unsure of her new surroundings. With some attention and encouragement she came around and latched onto the breast and proceeded to stay there for an hour! Just before time to go home, she started to breathe very fast, everything else looked good....pink little babe, no other signs of distress, just breathing very fast. Eventually, I called an NNP (neonatal nurse practitioner) at the hospital and she said we should bring her in. The whole time my gut was telling me this babe was fine....but I had called the NNP, so felt like I had to follow her advice. So, instead of a nice cozy trip home to tuck into bed, baby girl was tucked into the transport isolette and we all climbed into the back of an ambulance. As soon as the NNP saw little miss, she sent them all straight home, thank goodness. My gut was right all the while. I have been feeling bad about the whole hospital detour, but am trying to file it under the 'better safe than sorry' group. The Mama was nothing but gracious about the process and thanked me for making sure her baby was ok....but I still have the lingering guilt about not listening to the gut-voice....

Back to the center....adrenaline long gone and HUNGRY. Eat some food and dive into paperwork...always paperwork. When I envisioned my midwifery path, I must admit, that I had not thought about the mundane stuff like piles of paperwork....

Just about done and get a call from another second time Mama, she is starting labor but talking and laughing with me on the phone, so not quite time yet. Another call a couple hours later, but she doesn't want to come in yet...then 15 minutes later her Mom calls and says she thinks its time. She gets to the center about 30 minuts later....and a good thing....baby boy was born 29 minutes later. A nice water birth with Papa in the pool as well.

And then, of course, more paperwork....but, in truth, I will take all the paperwork in the world to be able to do what I do.....

Where's the climax??

In almost all ways, my job is ideal. I am blessed to serve women and thier families outside of the hospital. I am able to develop relationships with these families over time. I help support anf guide women through childbirth....and can specialize in hands and knees waterbirth by candle light! I get to do all of this AND have a predictable schedule that allows me quality time with my family.....

However, that doesn't mean there are no hitches! Being with a woman and her family for hours and hours is tiring, requires intense focus, makes everybody sweaty and is all consuming....but sooooo worth all the work, especially when that little one enters the world. Sometimes, in my job, I am with a woman for hours and hours...and then it is time for me to go home and pass her care on to the next midwife. While I am always grateful for the relief, it can be difficult to leave. Recently, I had the realization that it is a little like sex....but with no orgasm!!! All the build up and then no release> That is frustrating!!! I am trying to learn how to deal with these times of the perverbial "blue balls".......any suggestions???

The Big 30

Last night, I hit the big 3-0....thirty babies caught as an actual midwife! I was looking back at my birth log this afternoon...after I woke up...from being at the birth center until 2:00 am. 19 of the babes have been boys and 11 have been girls, 13 have been first time Mama's and 17 have had babes before. During this time, I have also supported several families who ended up having thier babes by cesarean section...5 of those stories...all healthy and happy...3 girls and 2 boys. If, in my short and young career, I have started to learn anything it is that you can never assume anything about women, birth or babies...they will always surprise you at every chance.

I have the utmost gratitude and respect for the families that have allowed me to share in thier journies. I am continually in awe of the process....

radio silence

Trial by fire....I have heard the term often. This summer, I had my own trial by fire....initiation to becoming a midwife. It was long and difficult. There were times when I felt so awful that I wanted to quit....one of the jokes that I have with my mentor is that it would be so much easier to open up a bakery. (Basically, I had a lot of dreams about cupcakes, pastries, and cakes.)

I spent many hours grappling with the question of how not to own every aspect of the birthing journey for the woman and her baby. As I have written before, it is not difficult for me to remove my own ego when things go well. It is when things don't go so well, that I begin to place all the blame on my own shoulders.

There was a time this summer, where I felt that if a woman was in labor and I touched her, she broke. I knew that on one level this was silly, but on many other levels, I had trouble working through this. Almost every babe was posterior, labors were long and dysfunctional, several women ended up needing c-sections...one of which was an emergency with a stressful ambulance ride and all that entails. On the good side, all of the Mama's and babes were well and healthy at the end. On the negative side, it left my confidence shaken and my heart very heavy.

In the midst of all of this...it was too difficult to sit in front of the computer and re-hash the experiences. So, here I am, apologizing for the long absence and offering my explanation. Also, I am offering a pledge to not disappear again for such a long radio silence......