Ina May

Well, what can I say other than Ina May? She is in town now and I was able to see her twice. Once at the Colorado Midwives Association conference and then again at an open Parent's Night. We are all so blessed to have her knowledge, humor, passion and compassion in this world. She is so inspiring...it was a great 'battery charging' opportunity. It is always good to remember her Sphincter Laws:
They are shy
They don't obey orders
They do respond to praise
They open better when owner's mouth and jaw are relaxed and open
They open well when owner is smiling or laughing

These rules appear so simple, yet in our culture they are so easily forgotten.

Yesterday was actually the third time that I have had the pleasure to meet and hear Ina May. The first time was at a Midwifery Today conference. It was when I was taking my first tentative steps on this path and it was remarkable. The second time was also at a Midwifery Today conference and I had just finished nursing school and was getting ready to enter midwifery school. It too, was amazing. (And at that conference I had the fun chance to 'boogey' with her at the evening festivities....that was a blast...and she has some moves on her!) So, yesterday I meet her again, this time as a new midwife. I had to have a little 'groupie' moment and tell her my (very brief) story and of my previous times in her precense. She was gracious and congratulated me on my path...what a treat!

waking up....

Attempting to go to bed when on call.....somewhat tricky. It takes a bit longer to fall asleep...was that the phone?....did it make a noise?.....is it still on and the battery charged?....better check it again. Ah, finally asleep and the dreams start....a Mama calls and says her water broke and there is a foot in her vagina...another Mama calls and says she is having trouble sleeping....another calls to ask if she can still wear panty hose. Then, beepbeepbeepbeep the alarm jolts me awake.....o my gosh!!! what calls did I miss?...did something happen to my phone in the night?...is it on and the battery charged?.....yes, all is well and there were truly no calls all night...or was there? Something about a baby needing panty hose when the water breaks???

one lesson...

Just a quick observation...when you will be doing IUD's, don't wear black pants due to the sterile glove powder. Don't wear white due to drops of betadine, don't wear long, loose sleeves...you can imagine. Actually, there is probably no perfect clothing choice when doing IUD's. But the most important thing is to remember to clean up after yourself and not leave your mess for someone, a great forgiving and understanding, someone to clean up.....

bittersweet

Just a flutter, soft and warm
A glimmer in your father's eyes
A squishy print in your mother's soul
Deep, deep down in the dark, cool place...restful and serene
Present for only a flash and yet so bright that the mark will forever burn

Thinking of my little lost one today. How such a tiny sprout can be so profoundly missed is one mystery of life. Or as a woman...perhaps not a mystery at all. When I lost my babe, she (I have always thought of her as a girl-though will never know for sure) almost took me with her, literally. I felt her tugging at my heartstrings and as I was bleeding and bleeding and being taken to the operating room part of me wanted to go with her....to stay with my little one and keep her close. Letting her go was torturous, but in the end, I am always grateful that I was able to remain.

Since I have started on this path, I have had to help other women through similar experiences and it never gets easy. How can we soothe, how can we support and aid one another to the other side of the grief? It is a process that I will continually learn. When all is said and done...what I needed was a hand, a shoulder and to know that someone was there...this is what I strive to give all the Mama's that I have been with and that I will be with as they cross this bridge....

Here I sit at home. My husband is working on fix-it projects, repairing much loved and therefore broken toys. Our daughter is nestled in bed. Dinner is warm in our bellies. I cherish these quiet times around the house.

I have the weekend off from the birth center...and I miss it. It seems to be a catch-22. I am thankful to be here at home...but I am also often wondering what is going on in my other world. All those Mama's that I saw this past week who are due any day now. How are they? Are their wombs rumbly and their little ones wiggley? Now that the sun has gone down are they starting to brew?.....

the beginning....

Let's see, how to start? I have recently completed a very long journey, so you might say that this beginning is really just the ending of the previous trip. My new beginning was initiated when I graduated from midwifery school and was somehow blessed with an amazing job....

It hardly seems real for me to say, out loud, that I am a midwife and that I work at a free standing birth center serving women and their families. I am still working on 'owning' that reality...it has been so long in the coming. So long I had been a student, and frankly had become very comfortable with that position. It is a nice place to be...observing, learning, growing, doing...without the full responsibility. As I have started this process of owning and inhabiting this new reality, I have often thought of starting a journal. I have wanted to save all of the thoughts and expereinces that have been surfacing and floating in my mind. Which leads me to this blog. It is my first, and honestly, I really have no idea what I am doing. If you have any interest in following along with me, I plan to document this first year as a new midwife and it should be an interesting ride......